Dear Doug Letters

By Doug Banks Radio Show

Dear Doug,

I am a man in my late 30s.  When I was a boy, I was abused by an older cousin.  When I was a teenager, about 16, a man approached me and enticed me with sex.  Though I was born and raised in a Christian family, I developed an interest in men.

My father is a deacon in the church.  I have read time and time again in the bible where homosexuality is condemned.  I never intended accepting this feeling because I still have an interest in women.  I am now married with one daughter.  But I am still attracted to men.  I also love my and would not want to lose her.

I have tried the best I can to get away from this, but can’t.  I feel my life is miserable, and I will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.  I feel so shameful to speak to someone.  Please, what can I do?


  1. Nikki October 19, 2012, 5:11 pm

    Hi Doug. I’m listening to everyone commenting on the young man with feelings for men. Maybe I missed someone saying this but I want to chime in. This man was sexually abused (I assume by a man) at a young age and was “enticed with sex” by a man when he was 16. He was very impressionable at that age. The abuse may not have been painful or traumatic at the time but I’m sure it was confusing, depending on his age. The older cousin may have not been that old either. I’m just saying. Maybe they were experimenting or the older cousin was and the younger didn’t know better. The experimenting may have been pleasurable, which could make the act even more confusing. At 16, he may have remembered that sex feels good if done right but his only experience was with a boy and the man who enticed him doesn’t sound like he forced him. At 16 he may have been raised to believe homosexuality is “wrong” but is also having those strong sexual urges that raging hormones bring. He is attracted and aroused by women but is lusting for a man. It’s not as uncommon as people think but it’s still considered taboo. Especially if his dad is deep in the chruch and raised him under strict doctrines. I don’t know if he’s homosexual or if he was more influenced by the early homosexual acts than he realized. He’s good and grown now and I doubt he’s just now struggling with these conflicting desires. He should have been upfront with himself first then the woman he proposed to. He needs counseling to get to the root cause and discover what his true feelings are. Is he straight but likes the thought of a man? Is he homosexual and would be content and happy living that life freely? Is he bisexual and equally attracted to both sexes? Is he straight but remembers the pleasurable feelings he got from other males and is confusing that with homosexuality? It’s not easy but it should be discussed with his wife and a therapist. His wife is within her rights to be shocked, upset, angry, and whatever else she feels but if she took her vows seriously then she will stand by him and make discoveries on her own whether she is able to accept him as is and what that means for them down the road.

    • amy williams October 19, 2012, 5:27 pm

      you have very good comments on this topic, he needs counseling after the suspected abuse took place why did he not tell his mom or his dad? instead he has messed up this woman’s life. I hate men that take away your choices or rights, and therefore has got this woman caught in his messy life, trying to prove he is all man. That’s not how it works or how it should be. LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR. GOD, DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. WHICH SIMPLY SAYS GAY, LESBIAN BEHAVIORS ARE LEARNED NOT BORN. I never saw a babay born an alcholic, or smoking cigs, nor having sex with the same sex. A person is usually exposed to these things at some point, therefore they are done against the child’s will or willingly, next step is either they like it and keep doing it or allowing it to happen, by not telling anyone, Or they hate it and don’t want it to happen again so the tell someone to fix their life.

    • allin October 19, 2012, 5:29 pm

      Nikki, my sentiments exactly, this is the most reasonable answer I have heard. Very similar to what I wrote.

  2. amy williams October 19, 2012, 5:12 pm

    this man who is in denial with this problem secretly how old is his daughter and is his wife the mother of his child? because this is important information. how long has he been with this woman?

  3. Jewel Ritcherson October 19, 2012, 5:15 pm

    Doug and DeDe, nine times out of ten his wife has some kind of inkling that her husband has an attraction to men first of all. Second I wish people stop callin in saying go to a man in cloth! HELLO THEY ARE JUST like us of flesh. Bottom line you can’t pray homosexual out. Where do you think it started? The men of the CLOTH CHURCHES. He needs to come out and be who he is.

    • allin October 19, 2012, 5:32 pm

      A MAN OF THE CLOTH can help if he is open to not condemning his soul to hell! I do agree that these types of demons may be exorcised but a temporary solution may not help his permenant situation. Prayer DOES change things, if you want them too. He doesn’t need to settle for this unhappiness he feels, but until he discovers why he is unhappy, truly, he won’t be successful in talking to anyone for his personal shame and conviction will not allow it.

  4. allin October 19, 2012, 5:25 pm

    Hi Doug and Dee Dee, its sad that people are condemning this man to a life of homosexuality without recognizing his cry for help. First I want to let him know that the Bible condemns a lot of things but that doesn’t mean that he can’t make it into heaven. I am a woman who was married to a man who was abused over the course of his childhood by men. He was not only sexually abused but physically abused by a different man who was not sexually abusing him. He endured a lot of emotional stress and dealt with it as sexual and drug addictions. I tried the entire time that we were married to get him to seek counseling and he didn’t. He then went on to marry another woman and that marriage failed. I think that this writer needs to seek both psycological and spiritual counseling and then they can help him tell his wife and hopefully she will also be open to seeking counsleing. I am very self aware and intuitive, so I knew something wasn’t right during the marriage and he often cheated (with women) but I knew that he had a desire for men as well. He also grew up in a religious family and oddly they are very accepting of others who have openly announced thier sexual orientation, but for whatever reason my ex hasn’t. We have now been divorced for over 7 years and remain cordial to each other as we have kids as well as he has other kids. As someone who has also worked with abused children, they take on those actions of the type of people that abuse them. He may not be gay, but these lustful urges are satisfying to him despite his love for his wife and women in general. The problem people don’t get to the root of their emotional triggers and therefore fall into lifestyles that are not for them. Doesn’t mean that he is not gay but sounds like he really need to find out. As for CC she has to do some healing in her life as well, when we marry these people (straight or gay) they are the ones who have a problem, not the person who was hurt. If you hold onto that hurt you will never find the happiness God has for you…and believe me, it took me 5 years to get over my broken marriage and I am a strong, beautiful, black woman of faith who knows that with God nothing is IMPOSSIBLE!

    • amy williams October 19, 2012, 5:50 pm

      you are right God can heal and do anything. But the word of GOD states that if a man lay with another man, and vice versa for women, they should be put to death. Now that the truth is written from the word of God, He can repent, seek help, come clean to his wife, and with GOD, thru GOD all things are possible. SO what else is he waiting on ? If it was abuse, no need to dwell in the past . Life is too short, too short to remain unchanged. Now he is a grown man raised in a christian home, he knows right from wrong. So fix it now before you mess up this woman and your chid’s life. You have a responsibility to handle it with prayer, and Jesu christ paid the price so that we can be forgiven for all our sins.I f you don’t want to tell her then at least leave get your self together, and pray afterwards that your wife will still be there. Be blessed. LET ME END THIS WAY, I know the LORD FOR MYSELF, i AM SAVED, I have lived thru this, But I came home, caught my spouse with his man in my house, in my kids room, with my kids in my bedroom. Now if I had done what the devil told me to do I would be writing this response from prison on death row for two murders

  5. just because October 19, 2012, 5:31 pm

    First, this man has be violated by another man. So, from the beginning, he had no choice to decide about his sexuality. That was violated. So when that issue is not handle or dealt with, then here is the results. The good thing about it. There is deliverance and healing. But he have to make a choice. Does he want to be free from this or to succomb. Forget what everyone is saying. I here people getting mad @ the church. Yes, there is a some issues in the church but there is deliverance and freedom. The church did not do this to him. You know what is the right thing for you to do, just decide what you going to do. Be honest with your wife. If you both in church, then she be willing to help you through this

  6. just because October 19, 2012, 6:47 pm

    adding to previous comment. If God is requiring you to live a certain way, then a way is already made for you to live. Its an enemy that has done this. The enemy has attack and wants God’s words to be a lie. Forget what everyone is thinking and saying and let God words be true. Admit what’s happen and choose. Choose life that you may life. A way is made. There is True deliverance, healing and freedom for you. But choose. Its up to you. And know that your choice haqve consquences. Choose life!!! I will be praying for you and those that are going through this. $or God so love the World that he gave his son that we may live and not die.

  7. Cate from Albany October 20, 2012, 1:34 pm

    I tried so hard to get through yesterday. I am SO sick of people using the bible as justification for their prejudice. First of all, it’s OLD TESTAMENT! DO NOT say ONE word against gay people with that pork juice dripping from your lips. Pork is a sin in the old testament ALSO. Jesus did not say ONE word about homosexuality, if it had been important he would have MENTIONED it. Don’t forget He had PLENTY to say about the self righteous NOT going to heaven. So as you judge your brothers and sisters for something that isn’t EVEN your business, you may be condemning your own soul. So don’t use the bible as your argument anymore unless it is to remind folks that the measure you judge by, is the measure you will be judged. The lesson is NOT who people are attracted to and love, it is how WE receive our brothers and sisters. Get it? No one chooses to be gay and since God makes some folks gay He must know what He is doing. By the way why did lucifer fall again? second guessing God and refusing to obey (serve) people. What Jesus spoke AGAINST was self righteousness, hypocrisy, the cold hearted, and liars. So you may want to re-think using Jesus as a weapon of hate and prejudice or stop calling yourself a christian. You cannot have it both ways. Not to mention you’ve been hijacked by the hateful REPUBLICAN agenda. Look up what Jesus said to the Publican. (code for republican) lol


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